I find it very hard to love myself . I don't think I know how. I don't even know why my husband loves me.
I do know how to love, because I love my husband and son very much, but when it comes to me, nothing but self hatred.
I do remember loving myself when I was in my early twenties, so I must know how. But to much has happened since then and I think it's to hard to get it back.
Can you teach someone to love themself?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
WHY!
Why is it that bad things happen when your not feeling well? It feels like everything I touch turns to shit (sorry for the bad language).
My dogs have fleas, my house is a pig sty, Christmas decorations need to be packed away , etc , etc , etc.
At the moment I don't care about things like the house, how I look,how I smell I do make an effort to make dinner and feed my son of coarse. Boy, I should win mother of the year, NOT!
OK, so I feel depressed that's no big drama I have dealt with that before, but you forget how bad it makes you feel. When I am feeling well, I think back to when I was depressed or anxious and think to myself "I can handle depression now, I will never feel that way again".
But it lingers in the dark (depression that is, not some handsome stranger, unfortunately) patiently waiting to pounce and bring you back to earth out of your day dream ,that you could ever be free of this beast.
Maybe, I need just to be still and feel what it's like to be depressed. I think I spend all my time self medicating so I don't have to feel, so I don't have to feel the pain of depression.
But I don't have the time to lie around in bed and feel depressed, I have people to care for and a house to run. Anyway everyone would think I am just feeling sorry for myself if I were to take it easy for a few days, I need to soldier on, and try and act normal (whatever that is).
My dogs have fleas, my house is a pig sty, Christmas decorations need to be packed away , etc , etc , etc.
At the moment I don't care about things like the house, how I look,
OK, so I feel depressed that's no big drama I have dealt with that before, but you forget how bad it makes you feel. When I am feeling well, I think back to when I was depressed or anxious and think to myself "I can handle depression now, I will never feel that way again".
But it lingers in the dark (depression that is, not some handsome stranger, unfortunately) patiently waiting to pounce and bring you back to earth out of your day dream ,that you could ever be free of this beast.
Maybe, I need just to be still and feel what it's like to be depressed. I think I spend all my time self medicating so I don't have to feel, so I don't have to feel the pain of depression.
But I don't have the time to lie around in bed and feel depressed, I have people to care for and a house to run. Anyway everyone would think I am just feeling sorry for myself if I were to take it easy for a few days, I need to soldier on, and try and act normal (whatever that is).
Friday, January 7, 2011
BURN OUT !
I feel exhausted, I feel I could sleep for years and never wake up that's how tired I am. When I feel this way I worry that the fog of depression is waiting to smother me sucking the oxygen out of my lunges.
It's hard to do anything when feeling this way. I feel guilty, because my son is on school holidays and I can't be the perfect mother that I so want to be. I want to take him places and be 100% present for him but I am finding it really hard just to get out of bed.
Up until now I have taken him to the movies and skate park and other activity's but it has taken all my energy doing that and now I feel empty and sad that I can't live up to my expectation of what a mother is.
I often wonder if watching movies and television has influenced my view of what a mother should be like, because you often see the perfect mother in the perfect family on the big screen.
Is it because we place our mask on when outside of our homes, even in company of close friends and family never showing the true self the one which is dying inside not coping with daily life. I often look at my friends and think how perfect they are and how I want to just like them.
When I think about it, you put a lot of energy into maintaining the mask so its no wonder I am so tired.
Why do we do this? It puts pressure on ourselves, is it so bad to say "I not coping here,can someone help me". But we don't, which means we are in a consent state of chasing perfection.
Would it be so bad if I went back to bed for a couple of hours?, but I know I would lie there thinking how lazy I am and that I should be doing a million different things like house work etc.
I am going to make an effort of telling the truth and not pretending that all is well when it's not, and maybe people will feel they can to do the same with me.
Do you put on a mask?
It's hard to do anything when feeling this way. I feel guilty, because my son is on school holidays and I can't be the perfect mother that I so want to be. I want to take him places and be 100% present for him but I am finding it really hard just to get out of bed.
Up until now I have taken him to the movies and skate park and other activity's but it has taken all my energy doing that and now I feel empty and sad that I can't live up to my expectation of what a mother is.
I often wonder if watching movies and television has influenced my view of what a mother should be like, because you often see the perfect mother in the perfect family on the big screen.
Is it because we place our mask on when outside of our homes, even in company of close friends and family never showing the true self the one which is dying inside not coping with daily life. I often look at my friends and think how perfect they are and how I want to just like them.
When I think about it, you put a lot of energy into maintaining the mask so its no wonder I am so tired.
Why do we do this? It puts pressure on ourselves, is it so bad to say "I not coping here,can someone help me". But we don't, which means we are in a consent state of chasing perfection.
Would it be so bad if I went back to bed for a couple of hours?, but I know I would lie there thinking how lazy I am and that I should be doing a million different things like house work etc.
I am going to make an effort of telling the truth and not pretending that all is well when it's not, and maybe people will feel they can to do the same with me.
Do you put on a mask?
Monday, January 3, 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Happy new year. I am so glad 2010 is over , because I like the thought of starting the year fresh, I can leave all the mistakes I have made and all the bad times behind me.
Is that how you feel at the start of a new year? Or do you dread having to start a year all over again, does it make you feel anxious living another 12 months with a fog of darkness blinding you?
Sometimes I feel anxious at the start of a year but not this year. The year 2010 has not been the best of years and I am glad to say good bye.
I don't know why but 2010 has been the year of finding out who your friends really are. I am not going to bother trying to be friends with the whole world this year and hopefully I won't get to upset when someone doesn't like me.
You see the way I was bought up, you had to be friends with everyone even if you never really like the person, you must get them to like you and to always put everyone before yourself.
I still to this day I can't help but feel overwhelmed when meeting people for the first time and I am sure its due to the way I was raised.
Don't get me wrong, I love my father very much and I don't blame him, that's just how he is and no doubt that's how he was raised. Funny how family traits filter down the generations.
Another reason for changing this behaviour, is I don't want to pass it on to my son, I do not want him to feel he has to befriend the world and have the approval of everyone he meets, I want him to stand up for himself and know that his opinion matters and not to just agree with everyone to keep the peace or to get them to like you, because in the end if you keep your voice silent it ends up driving you mad because it really wants to be heard. Does this sound familiar?
Is that how you feel at the start of a new year? Or do you dread having to start a year all over again, does it make you feel anxious living another 12 months with a fog of darkness blinding you?
Sometimes I feel anxious at the start of a year but not this year. The year 2010 has not been the best of years and I am glad to say good bye.
I don't know why but 2010 has been the year of finding out who your friends really are. I am not going to bother trying to be friends with the whole world this year and hopefully I won't get to upset when someone doesn't like me.
You see the way I was bought up, you had to be friends with everyone even if you never really like the person, you must get them to like you and to always put everyone before yourself.
I still to this day I can't help but feel overwhelmed when meeting people for the first time and I am sure its due to the way I was raised.
Don't get me wrong, I love my father very much and I don't blame him, that's just how he is and no doubt that's how he was raised. Funny how family traits filter down the generations.
Another reason for changing this behaviour, is I don't want to pass it on to my son, I do not want him to feel he has to befriend the world and have the approval of everyone he meets, I want him to stand up for himself and know that his opinion matters and not to just agree with everyone to keep the peace or to get them to like you, because in the end if you keep your voice silent it ends up driving you mad because it really wants to be heard. Does this sound familiar?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
SMASH!
What a day. I got my monthlies which means even more pain than I already have and I managed to smash the car, great. I don't even know if I want to write about it because it's so depressing. I will try.
I was trying to be a good mum taking my son and his friend to the skate park even though my back was refusing to go, anyway couple of hours there and then they wanted Hungry Jacks so off we went to get some lunch(a special treat we don't eat a lot of junk food) well when reversing out I hit a poll that was so low you could not see it when up in a 4wd, a couple of thousand worth of damage. Why did this happen?
1. Pain,even more than usual. 2. Mind else where(worried about what other's were saying about me)
3. Worried about why I worry about what others were saying about me. 4. Thousand of random thoughts racing through my mind. Bad combination I know, I feel bad that we are going to have to spend money where we never would have if it weren't for me. Some days you should never leave the house. That's my lesson for today, wish I had learnt that one earlier.
I was trying to be a good mum taking my son and his friend to the skate park even though my back was refusing to go, anyway couple of hours there and then they wanted Hungry Jacks so off we went to get some lunch(a special treat we don't eat a lot of junk food) well when reversing out I hit a poll that was so low you could not see it when up in a 4wd, a couple of thousand worth of damage. Why did this happen?
1. Pain,even more than usual. 2. Mind else where(worried about what other's were saying about me)
3. Worried about why I worry about what others were saying about me. 4. Thousand of random thoughts racing through my mind. Bad combination I know, I feel bad that we are going to have to spend money where we never would have if it weren't for me. Some days you should never leave the house. That's my lesson for today, wish I had learnt that one earlier.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Am I the only one?
Do you ever get so angry that it totally takes over your mind and body? I feel so angry that my insides are bursting at the seams and no matter how hard I try and use DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) or CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) it just does not seem to work with me when I feel this way. Anger is one of the strongest emotions there is (well for me anyway) if you try and fight it you lose every time. I find the only way to try and sooth it is with distraction but finding a way to do this when you can't even think straight is the hard thing.
That's why I thought I would start blogging about the battles with depression and anxiety. I feel I will be on here a lot because I have been slipping back, don't you always find that? You can feel OK one day and think your winning the battle and then the next your back to square one. That's what's it like living with depression, it plays with your mind, it makes you think you are well on your way to recovery and bam! not so fast sunshine get back where you belong in the darkness in the pit of dis pair.
That's why I thought I would start blogging about the battles with depression and anxiety. I feel I will be on here a lot because I have been slipping back, don't you always find that? You can feel OK one day and think your winning the battle and then the next your back to square one. That's what's it like living with depression, it plays with your mind, it makes you think you are well on your way to recovery and bam! not so fast sunshine get back where you belong in the darkness in the pit of dis pair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)